#Metoo Part I: Clarity and the Rhinoceros Revelation

Have you ever been about to go to sleep and something, a dream, a falling or whatever startles you awake and you jump?

Happened to me right before I decided to share a deep dark story on facebook. I have watched BBC documentaries for entertainment since I was a child and was doing so to fall asleep one innocuous night sometime ago, before #metoo. If you want to open your eyes a little bit, go to Netflix, check out the BBC show “Africa,” episode 1, skip to the 20:15 mark. That is where I was. Eyes hardly open, night time chirping. Cutest rhinoceros  you ever did see drinking out of a lake under the twilight, we hear a famous British voice.

“Using the latest starlight camera, David Attenborough announces, “we can reveal for the first time, the rhino’s true charactah.” Larger view. “This young female seems nervous,” the British narrator describes the emotional state of a completely different species he can plainly see to the audience who can also plainly see. “The young female has an admirer,but she doesn’t seem keen on him.”

So then this rhino mofo comes back after getting some antlers stuck on his horn and that does it for her, she decides to give him a chance. Didn’t do it for me, I was never convinced, but it did it for this lady rhino, this guys extra effort. So she decides to give it a go. Don’t turn away, give it another minute. Yep, he disappoints. She’s over it, so she goes off and feigns sleep.  Then what happens? He waits a little bit then takes her anyway because he is a legitimate randy beast and they are about to go extinct?

Nope

lol

He just trots away. Like a gentleman. Or like most members of all species across many a genus.

All the proof I need. Thank you Black Rhinoceroses.

Do you know what the Buddha said when he reached enlightenment and the devil came and attempted to reduce him with questions like, “Who do you think you are?!”

He said nothing. He touched the earth. Why? Because all of creation, the earth itself would bear witness to his enlightenment. If it is the truth, what does he have to prove to the likes of Mara?

Right then and there, on the edge of sleep, a big part of me just died and I don’t think that is a bad thing. Might have just been the itchings of 30. My first grey hair. And I got on Facebook and told a story, which I had considered doing at other points in the process because I am a writer and that is what we do, we write when the going gets tough. But I never quite had the limbic pulsing to shut off the blood flow to my prefrontal cortex. That is to say, I had thought about it but never pulled the trigger.

Anger.

It can be inappropriate. It can become an addictive way of life for some, but sometimes, sooooooooometiiiiiiiiiiiiimes

it can be just the motivation you need to act appropriately.

Sharing personal things to strangers is not a safe strategy for many.

But it happens to be for me in this situation at this time.

Clarity.

To the outside world it didn’t look like I had it. We have a lot of assumptions about women and anger. Clarity  is not one of them.

So I got online, shared a story that shined a light on a really ugly scene that made people feel an array of pity, concern, anger and embarrassment. And all of our reactions gave me more clarity. Not a lot of queenly grace there, but I can’t regret it. I needed that information.

I had done all the right things. And still. Fed up.

Wanna know what happened when I took my black and white date rape report to the authorities? About how a man did to me what even a rhino wouldn’t dare do to one of his own? Hope for a minute. Doctors, police, detectives, listening even though I most definitely felt crazy. Validating me with statements like,” yeah, this is exactly what it looks like, we know, and don’t expect anything to happen once it gets to our prosecutor.” An arrest. Silence. Long silence.

Finally, I bug her because my police man ex told me that’s how it works if I want answers.

When I finally did get a hold of the Hawaii State prosecutor and she finally did agree to meet me with an “advocate” (who really served as an advocate for her) she started with a question.

“Abby, do you really think he needs to go to jail?”

Full stop. Crick in my back is tightening to a near pop as I lean a little to the right to try and ease it. The pain of her nonsense.

Not my job.

My job is care-taking, babies, old people, men.

I went to school for public and social health.

Didn’t our prosecutor have years and thousands of dollars worth of rigorous training that had qualified her to put in to practice all the 1 + 1’s of the law?

And besides, that wouldn’t have even been her job!!! What sort of beliefs about who I am made her feel comfortable putting that guilt on me?

I had believed and wanted it to be the people’s who’s job it was suppose to be, the judge and jury’s. Could you have imagined me up there, Judge Libtard?

“JAIL? You mean a place with no stars?!?!? Community service should do! And mandatory therapy! That should fix him right up! Smile, meet heart!”

There is a reason I was both victim and witness in this case and not the judge.

Sorry.

I had no balls for this. And I’ve never had any interest in going to school to be a judge.  Justice is hard work and shouldn’t be left to the victims.

 

And that is why I me-tooed.  I’m fed up and CLEAR AS DAY! Tired of loved ones getting raped on and good -hearted people being left to pick up the wreckage while sociopaths skip around looking pretty and causing chaos. Yes, all sexual assailants are sociopaths, as this rhino demonstrated for all of us, because one has to jump through several dehumanizing hoops in order to make the choice to steal a person’s sex. Even if that person is female. Or it’s some impulsivity problem. Why is the weight on me, a haole from a strange land, the actions of this man’s criminal violation of my body? Why didn’t the justice system take care of it? Black and  White. About the easiest date rape scenario ever. Asleep. Hour and a half been asleep. Sober. Witnesses willing to testify on a consistent story. Freakin’ DIARY ENTRIES. What in the world? This is why #metoo had to happen. This is why sex stuff is now on social media. Because people in our system of Justice put politics before service. Its a joke. I was intimidated TWICE  out of pursuing basic justice while my sexual perpetrator was emboldened to continue his narcissistic abuse.

How do we reach someone committed to a sociopathic path? There is only one way.  Consistent social accountability. Justice, even gentle and kind, really goes a long way.

A narcissistic game always unravels in the light.

Now I understand more deeply my responsibility to  strengthen my inner fortitude in order to continue to shine a light on narcissistic frameworks and take a stand for my own inner integrity.

Would be nice if our system could be trusted to do its job but I never saw any evidence of that.

 

Truth

Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.
-1 John 3:1

Truth, purity, sweet thoughts and one-pointed attention are all qualities that make one suitable to see the true Self.”
-The Yoga Sutras

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”
-Brene Brown

“Only the truth of who you are, if realized, will set you free. ”
-Eckhart Tolle

“What draws people to be friends is that they see the same truth. They share it.”
-C.S. Lewis

Truth, like love and sleep, resents approaches that are too intense.”
-Wyston Hugh Auden

Without going to a dictionary, my definition of truth is the reality of that which actually is. Going to a dictionary, I found it uses the word itself in the first definition which I thought was something dictionaries were not suppose to do. Well, it says “true.”

E64F5C02-BEAF-4564-BD9F-8D71859D6F4B.jpeg

The facts, the science, the math. I have long been absorbed and agitated and motivated by the idea of truth. They call people like me “seekers.” That was my goal from age 11-29. What’s the truth?

“All of this is just a game!” I told my dad when I was 17.
“We are all just so full of shit, I can’t do this, this game is so stupid!”

“Play the game, Abby! You’re perfect for it!” He told me, “at least go to church, people will respect you more. Just go to church.”

At 12 I went to church camp and came back certain that Jesus was the truth, and infected by our counselors fears, I was terrified of any of my peers being sent to eternal damnation. “I know he huffs paint and listens to Nirvana but he is a genius and a sweetheart and his childhood was not at all easy, how could Jesus, embodiment of love and compassion, possibly send him to hell if I wouldn’t even send him to hell?” Questions like that gave me reasonable, innocent and heartfelt doubt to the narrative I was being served. I read and read and read when I should have been socializing and absorbed in school drama. I flipped courses and found the kind of logical dogma of the likes of Niles Eldridge and Richard Dawkins and was convinced that that was the path to understanding truth. I did not at all make a good atheist. The outside world seemed so empty and my insides felt ill equipped to deal. I went to kill myself when I was 16, with resignation that on the other side, maybe I would finally see the truth… the reality of that which actually is. Instead, I tripped balls, embarrassed myself to the maximum degree and was thrust right back in to the world I was trying to escape. When we say God is Truth, those of faith are saying God is Reality. It just is. God is the facts, the data, the science, the whole thing that not one single person can ever fully get a grasp on, especially because biologically we are designed to push it away, for our own individual protection.

A W E AND R E V E R E N C E

That’s the only individual truth I can hope for, the only fun I can cling to. My faith is so strong now. I don’t need to defend it in the same way I don’t need to run around the streets of Kailua at night insisting and checking that everyone recognize the sun is going to rise tomorrow. My faith is strong and we still need each other to understand truth. I need to check with my humanist atheist friends and my Christian friends and my gun enthusiasts and my social justice warriors and my rape-apologist adrenaline junkies and my Grandma and most importantly, your kids.

la illah ila Allah

There is no god, but God is one of my favorite declarations of faith.